Profound and Important Thoughts… For That Ass.

Now that I’m in my mid- to late-20s, I finally see how obvious it is when actors in their mid- to late-30s play people in their mid- to late-20s on TV or in movies. I mean, hello! Who are you fooling here? When 26 seemed far away and 30 was impossibly old, I could believe that Lisa Kudrow was under 30… now it’s like cracka please.

Depression is like a snake that coils around the base of your neck and strangles you slowly, crushing you every time you exhale.

Timing is everything.

For all my arrogance, I’m a very nice person at the end of the day and I’d prefer that most people be happy and go about their lives in a way that makes life painful. Everyone I know has a good sense of humor, and if you can’t see it in me, well, I probably won’t be knowin’ you for much longer.

Alcohol is a monster, and so are you.

And now…. the ongoing saga of Bobby Bacala.

me: you bobby bacala
screw you bobby bacal
bacala bacala

Ajit: haha, Mike MUKASEY…
Mukasey Snehal…
man, even if bobby bacala lost 342 pounds, he would still weigh as much as 14 blue whales!

me: dude
if bobby bacala lost 567 pounds, he would still be ten times fatter than a thousand polar bears

Ajit: bro…
if bobby bacala lost the entire weight of a kindergarten class, he’d still weigh as much as 17 bull walruses.

me: friend…
if bobby bacala lost the weight of a dump truck filled with beavers, he’d still weigh as much as the seven moons of Jupiter combined.

Ajit: man…
if bobby bacala lost the weight of a garage filled with steel I-beams, he’d still weigh as much as a sea filled with lard.

me: buddy…
if bobby bacala lost the weight of sixty-seven elephants made of solid gold and melted down into a single, massive golden sphere, he would still weigh as much as the north american landmass if it were made entirely of bacon

Ajit: dude…
if bobby bacala lost the weight of 4 adult siamese twins from his stomach alone, he would still weigh as much as vesuvius filled with obsidian.

me: man…
if bobby bacala lost the weight of three buicks from his lower intestine alone, he would still weigh as much as a nuclear power plant filled with whale blubber.

Ajit: son…
if bobby bacala lost the weight of five tractor trailers from his double chin, he would still weigh as much as the moon filled with agar.

me: i have to go, but this has been illuminating.

Ajit: hahaha… I lowe.
bobby bacala is best…

I love John Leguizamo’s one-man shows, not even because they are the funniest thing ever (they are pretty good though), but because he’s a wonderful storyteller. Really amazing. It’s unfortunate (and not surprising given that he’s a short Latino dude who’s interested in doing something other than playing a scared immigrant or a gang member) that he remains obscure relative to his talent and his hard work.

God, I am a genius. One day people will realize. One day.

And finally, FINALLY, my friend sent the link to a great new blog… entitled Stuff White People Like.

An excerpt (from #30, Wrigley Field):
One of the best things someone can do to gain the respect and trust of a white person, is to attend a baseball game with them at Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. When most people think of the Chicago Cubs they think of tradition, ivy covered walls, Fergie Jenkins & Harry Caray. A more accurate representation would be khaki shorts, frat boys & rich white business men on their iphones. The 1980s television show Perfect Strangers best illustrates this point. In the opening credits, foreigner Balky Bartokomous is taken to Wrigley Field. This was more or less symbolic of what Balky had to do, to understand white America.